What is it That I Don’t Like About Them?
. . . Oh, It’s Me.

September 9th, 2024 • Edited by the Resilience Rising Team

Ever find yourself gritting your teeth at someone for something so minor that you later wonder, "Why did that bug me so much?" Maybe it’s the coworker who always has a little too much to say in meetings, or that one parent at your kid's game who seems to think it’s the World Series. The immediate thought might be, “They’re obnoxious,” but is it really all about them? Or could it be about you?

It’s uncomfortable to admit, but sometimes what irritates us most about others is actually a reflection of our own unresolved stuff. Maybe it’s a trait we’ve been criticized for in the past, or a “bad” habit we try hard to suppress. When someone else displays it, our defenses go up. It’s like looking in a mirror, but instead of recognizing ourselves, we only see what we don’t like about someone else.

So, what can you do about it?

Start with a litlle Internal Reflection

The next time you catch yourself fuming over someone else's behavior, pause and ask yourself, “Why does this bother me so much?” Is it because they’re truly out of line, or is it triggering something deeper? Maybe they remind you of how you felt unheard as a child, or perhaps they’re reflecting back a behavior you engage in when you’re anxious or overwhelmed, like cutting people off in conversations or being quick to snap at a loved one.

The point isn’t to excuse other peoples’ behavior but to understand our own reaction to it. When we realize that some of our annoyance is rooted in our own experiences and stress, we take back control. We stop waiting for them to change (which could take a lot longer than we have and is not guaranteed) and start managing our own responses better. It’s not about punishing or pushing down our own feelings. It’s about gaining greater awareness and command of ourselves, our internal processes and our external behavior.

Gain Greater Command of Yourself

Internal reflection isn't just for deep moments of introspection. It’s practical. Say you’re at your kid’s little league game, and the ump makes a questionable call. Your blood boils. Before you shout out something regrettable, take a beat. Ask yourself, “Is this really worth my energy?” Chances are the anger you’re feeling might be more about a stressful day at work or a lingering feeling of helplessness than that one call.

This doesn’t mean you never speak up, but it does mean you choose when and how to react more thoughtfully. Look, your kiddo is probably 6? The umpire’s 16? You’ve got bigger fish to fry. . . and years to embarrass yourself at your children’s events. Taking a step back and reflecting on why you feel what you feel gives you the power to respond in ways that keep your relationships and mental well-being intact. So you can deal with what really matters.

When Reflection Needs some support

Let’s be honest, though—self-reflection can be tough, especially when you’re deep in the thick of life’s demands. Sometimes, what’s really going on beneath the surface is hard to pin down and work through on your own. This is where talking to a therapist can make a difference. A good therapist can help you understand why certain things get under your skin and guide you toward healthier ways to deal with them.

Therapy isn’t just for major life crises; it’s for the everyday challenges that can slowly wear you down. Having someone to talk to who understands both the personal and professional challenges you face can be a game changer. They can offer perspective, tools, and support to help you handle the stress of life more effectively.

So, the next time you find yourself thinking, “What is it that I don’t like about them?”—pause, reflect, and consider that the answer might just start with you. And if you find that reflecting alone feels like navigating a maze, remember that help is available, and it could make all the difference in gaining greater command of your life.